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(FIXED) Can you guys help me checking my text

NED

Well-known member
I'm working on the translation of Videl's Chapter, my short fan manga in Dragon Ball universe.
As some of you know, I'm not a native english speaker, and I'm really not sure if my sentences are right.

I prefer you guys check it before I post it officially. Thanks!

exemple, perhaps : "SOME former martial artists" etc.

Lbo5mgt.jpg
 
I'm not native english speaker myself but I found couple lines sound too formal for bad guys like them.
Here are my suggestions:
Get over here would be better than Come over here.
You beat us with cheap tricks! Ring a bell? to replace Former ....
 
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I think with comics you don't need to explain what's going on with words, I'm helping a few members here with translations into English, if you want I can help you too,

For example 'come over here' doesn't really need to be expressed because you can visually see a grapple instead write 'where do you think you're going?' it adds an extra element and forces you to look at the image more

Same with 'your hero will be shot' it reads as if there's no purpose for the image, you're explaining what's going on in the image, so instead write 'or he gets it' the reader then has to look at the image and thinks "who gets it? Gets what?" And they see a gun pointing at the hero.

Be a little more allusive with text if you can see exactly what's going on and vice versa if the image is a little unclear use text to define more, if makes for a better overall experience for the audience.
 
I think with comics you don't need to explain what's going on with words, I'm helping a few members here with translations into English, if you want I can help you too,

For example 'come over here' doesn't really need to be expressed because you can visually see a grapple instead write 'where do you think you're going?' it adds an extra element and forces you to look at the image more

Same with 'your hero will be shot' it reads as if there's no purpose for the image, you're explaining what's going on in the image, so instead write 'or he gets it' the reader then has to look at the image and thinks "who gets it? Gets what?" And they see a gun pointing at the hero.

Be a little more allusive with text if you can see exactly what's going on and vice versa if the image is a little unclear use text to define more, if makes for a better overall experience for the audience.
Thanks.
Yes... Actually I know these techniques. I usually do it more naturally with french only projects.
But this story was meant to be easy to translate... (even in japanese) So, I sometimes end up only describing what happen in the picture.
 
I understand, if you want help with full translations into English PM me and we'll go through it together.
 
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