story of the game

[DD Tokki]

If you want to get help, I think it's right to write it here, so I'm asking for help again.
The story of the game I'm currently working on is like this, but I don't speak English, so I don't know if the sentences and words in the story are written correctly or natural.
I want you to see if this story is written correctly.


-king of rage-

There was a dark organization that turned the city into despair and fear.
They are being called Organization "R".
It was so huge and powerful that no one could control it.
Like-minded thugs and scoundrels also joined Organization "R".
As "R" grew in power, the world became their stage.

However, at this hopeless time, three heroes appeared and confronted them.
The three finally reached the final gateway while defeating the organization with a strong will.
Who is the leader of "R" that engulfed the city? The final story begins.



---------When the game is cleared--------- (Stage 0)



The organization's leader, "R", was the dark boss, Rugal.
He met his end by three heroes. and
I thought organization "R" would also disappear. but
he wasn't defeated

By some unknown force, he was still alive.
and declare

Rugal: You made me have fun. Don't think you beat me to this.
Alright, it's the start of round 2. I will welcome you more sincerely than before.

The fight so far was only the beginning.

 

[Bloodbane]

I'm not native english speaker myself but I'll try my best:

There is a dark organization that turned the city into despair and fear.
It is called Organization "R".
It was so huge and powerful that no one could challenge it.
Villains, thugs and scoundrels also joined Organization "R".
As "R" grew in power, the world became their stage.

However, at this hopeless time, three heroes appeared and challenged it.
The three finally reached the final gateway while fighting the organization with a strong will.
Who is the leader of "R" that conquered the city? The final story begins.

I'm sure others could give better suggestion.

 

[maxman]

Is that an introduction, or is that before fighting against the final boss of the game?

 

[DD Tokki]

I'm not native english speaker myself but I'll try my best:



I'm sure others could give better suggestion.

thank you
Let's look at various revisions of the story and judge.

 

[DD Tokki]

Is that an introduction, or is that before fighting against the final boss of the game?

It is the intro part of the game, Stage 0 (actually Stage 1) advances, and the rest of the dialogue goes in.
And it will proceed sequentially from stage 1 (stage 2).

 

[NED]

I'm not native english speaker myself but I'll try my best:



I'm sure others could give better suggestion.

Same here.
looks pretty ok, But my limitation with english mekes me not the best to help ^^;

 

[maxman]

I'm not sure if I would take a shot on this, but, oh well... I can give it a try. Keep in mind that this first one is not what I'm correcting your sentences. It's just that I put words that would sound cool. Maybe.

There is one organization, hiding in the shadows from the public eye, which has corrupted the city into fear and despair.
That very organization is called "Organization 'R'".
It is so huge and powerful which no one can stand up to, which is unchallenged.
Other lackeys including scoundrels and thugs, have joined Organization R.
As "R" has gained its advantage with power, the world has become a center stage for their cause.

However, at this moment of hopelessness, the three heroes have arrived and started to take up the challenge by confronting them.
The three have finally reached the last gateway while fighting the organization with their strong will.
Who is the leader of "R" that has influenced the city? Let us find out when the final chapter of this story begins.

Here's the present form, but short sentences.

There is a dark organization that has turned the city into despair and fear.
It is called Organization "R".
It is so huge and powerful that no one can stop it.
Lackeys including thugs and scoundrels have also joined Organization "R".
As "R" grows in power, the world becomes their stage.

However, at this hopeless time, three heroes appear and confront them.
The three finally reach the final gateway while defeating the organization with their strong will.
Who is the leader of "R" that has conquered the city? The final chapter of this story begins.

 

[DD Tokki]

I'm not sure if I would take a shot on this, but, oh well... I can give it a try. Keep in mind that this first one is not what I'm correcting your sentences. It's just that I put words that would sound cool. Maybe.



Here's the present form, but short sentences.

thank you
An acquaintance of mine said that short and concise stories are good for action games, so I personally think the second one is better.
As for the content, the first one strikes me more strongly.

 

[DD Tokki]

I finally made the intro scene. It's long to do it, but I chose the first one because it seemed to have a stronger message.

 

[NED]

I really like it!
But perhaps the fonts can be just a bit better.
Giving the feeling of a real game.

Because you give a very good design to HUD and text elements usually.

I'm pretty sure some other fonts would make it look even better.

 

[DD Tokki]

At the same time as sharpening the text, I found a font similar to the font I usually use.

 

[maxman]

I see the word "three" between "the" and "have" is missing. So, I just changed it to "they", as well as a few words. Also, I thought the scene would be for the final chapter of the game, but maybe it is okay to have it like this.

I didn't know which one to choose better for the last part between "we will find out" and "let us find out". I chose the latter. Or maybe just "Find out" would be better? I don't know.

I made a few changes here.

There is one organization, hiding in the shadows from the public eye, which has corrupted the city into fear and despair.
That very organization is called "Organization 'R'".
It is so huge and powerful that no one can stand up to, unchallenged.
Other lackeys including scoundrels and thugs, have also joined Organization "R".
As "R" has gained its advantage with power, the world has become a center stage for their cause.

However, at this moment of hopelessness, the three heroes have arrived and started to take up the challenge by confronting them.
They have finally reached the last gateway while fighting the organization with their strong will.
Who is the leader of "R" that has dominated the city? Find out when the final chapter of this story begins.

Here's my take after the game is cleared. Maybe kind of cool.

The leader of the dark organization behind this, is none other than Rugal.
He is near his end in meeting the three heroes, and it is thought that Organization "R" would vanish.
However, he has not lost his battle yet.

By some unknown force, he is still alive and says...
Rugal: I'm impressed that this fight was very exciting. But don't you think this is over yet.
Alright. This is going to be the second time we meet in battle, which you are more welcome to face me than the last time.

The fight was just the beginning.

I don't consider myself as a native English speaker, but I do speak English. I expect there would be someone better than me in writing this script (storytelling).

 

[16-bit Fighter]

@DD Tokki : I think you wanted to write:

They have finally reached

I prefer the first font because since there are many characters by line it's better a font with not only capital letters IMO.

 

[DD Tokki]

I see the word "three" between "the" and "have" is missing. So, I just changed it to "they", as well as a few words. Also, I thought the scene would be for the final chapter of the game, but maybe it is okay to have it like this.

I didn't know which one to choose better for the last part between "we will find out" and "let us find out". I chose the latter. Or maybe just "Find out" would be better? I don't know.

I made a few changes here.



Here's my take after the game is cleared. Maybe kind of cool.



I don't consider myself as a native English speaker, but I do speak English. I expect there would be someone better than me in writing this script (storytelling).

I forgot to tell you this, but actually, the 3 people are the main characters of beats of rage. But in my game, there are more playable characters, so I excluded 3.

The story that comes out when you clear it is not an ending, but an event between stage 0 and stage 1, so Rugal's lines are included. I'll make the ending later.

 

[DD Tokki]

@DD Tokki : I think you wanted to write:


I prefer the first font because since there are many characters by line it's better a font with not only capital letters IMO.

thank you I also made a backup of the event created with the first font just in case.

 

[DD Tokki]

I see the word "three" between "the" and "have" is missing. So, I just changed it to "they", as well as a few words. Also, I thought the scene would be for the final chapter of the game, but maybe it is okay to have it like this.

I didn't know which one to choose better for the last part between "we will find out" and "let us find out". I chose the latter. Or maybe just "Find out" would be better? I don't know.

I made a few changes here.



Here's my take after the game is cleared. Maybe kind of cool.



I don't consider myself as a native English speaker, but I do speak English. I expect there would be someone better than me in writing this script (storytelling).

The "final chapter" is not actually the last part of the game, but rather the last part as the story at the beginning of the stage. It's kind of like "Castlevania: Symphony of the Night."

 

[maxman]

That explains it. (Didn't play SOTN, I admit.) Sorry. I was confused with both stage 0 (stage 1) and the final part. Now I know it's like SOTN.

Here's the correct last sentence.

Find out when the final part of the story begins.